Far Too Excited For a Felon

I was so close. So...so close. But no, it was snatched away at the last minute. This is the story of my near triumph that was stolen away by the man in uniform.

I do not drink. And by that I don't mean I used to be a wild party-going fiend but then gave it up and I turned over a new leaf and now I'm sober and nurse kittens back to health by producing my own milk, because that just isn't me. I just mean that I've chosen not to drink until I'm legal. No real reason, I just have no interest in it.

Now, in my town there is a night club that has an underage night on Thursdays. Once my friends and I turned 18, we made a habit of frequenting this nightclub and soberly fist pumping the hell out of that place.

And we managed to do it without looking stupid, either.

So you see that all of this was totally legal, harmless fun. I had a great time on this one particular night, and left the club in the wee hours of the morn. And this is where the story really begins.

Downtown is very well lit at night. Remarkably so. Couple that with the fact that my dad's car's headlights are terribly dim, and it's entirely feasible that I simply forgot to turn my headlights on. I didn't drive two blocks from the club when the siren went off, and the police lights nearly blinded me from my rear view mirror.

Like everyone should, I pulled over. This cop was not having a good day, and I could see that he just wanted to nail me for drunk driving. I started getting excited.

Cop: Excuse me sir, are you aware that your headlights are not on?
Me: Oh! My mistake! It's actually really well lit down here so I completely forgo-
Cop: Uh-huh. Where are you coming from, sir?
Me: It's underage night at the club, my friends (sitting next to me and in the back seat) and I just came from there.
Cop: So you haven't been drinking tonight then? (this statement is just dripping with scorn. This cop wants me to go DOWN.)
Me: Absolutely not.
Cop: Mhmmm and would you be willing to take a breathalyzer in order to confirm that?

I got so excited when he said this. I don't know why, I just did. He was being such an ass and I really just wanted to take that thing and blow a .00 in his face and drive away happy. My response requires illustration so you know exactly how I looked when I responded.

Me: 

OF COURSE I WOULDN'T!!

Well apparently the cop decided that usually people who ARE drunk aren't so excited to take a breathalyzer. He told me he wasn't going to test me and just took my license and registration. I was crestfallen. I had come so close! I wanted it so badly! But no, Mr. Ass-cop decided that if he couldn't make me miserable by breathalyzing me, he'd make me miserable by snatching it away. Jerk.

The final piece of this story was arguably the funniest. My friend sitting shotgun has a rather protective mother. Now we weren't aware of this, but apparently her mother stayed awake until two in the morning listening to the police scanner to see if our names came up. Well...mine did. She had a mini panic attack and called my friend about three times while the cop was talking to us to see if we were alright. We all had a good laugh at that one.